NARRATOR

Five seconds after flicking the Infinite Improbability Drive to Maximum Wisdom, Arthur is amazed to find himself in Philos, the mythical planet where all the great philosophers of the past live in eternal contemplation.

ARTHUR

Here, at last, I shall finally get the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. Who shall I visit first - maybe Socrates or Plato, or how about Bertrand Russell ?

NARRATOR

But before Arthur has time to decide, a thickly-moustached man wearing a superman outfit with a huge letter "N" emblazoned on it, noisily interrupts his train of thought.

NIETZSCHE

The aim of life is be to be a superman. Rise above the herd, unless you are a sheep! 

NARRATOR  

Outraged, refutations of stunning wit and logic citing the essential equality of man before God start to form in Arthur's mind. Which makes it all the more sad that the sound that actually emerges from his lips is a very sheep-like ...

ARTHUR  

Baaa ... Oh well, maybe I should turn to modern philosophers for the answer. That looks like Bertrand Russell and Wittgenstein over there - I'll ask them.

WITTGENSTEIN 

The meaning of life ? You must be joking ! We can't even agree on the meaning of the word "meaning". We've got a programme of a thousand years of linguistic analysis before we can get round to that sort of question.

ARTHUR  

Hmm, they're not going to be much help to me . But who's that hippy chap in the distance wearing a "Don't Worry - Be Happy" T Shirt surrounded by attractive female disciples? That's more like my scene- and that tune sounds strangely familiar..

BENTHAM

( singing to the tune of "Blowing in the Wind")

"The answer, my friend, is pleasure without pain

The answer is pleasure without pain"

GIRL

Hi, come join us. Like to try some happy pills ?

ARTHUR

Well, it does sound rather more fun than I'd have with Wittgenstein. But hang on -

if I took your advice I'd end up like Zaphod, and I wouldn't want that. I remember when he stole Robert Nozick's Experience Machine which makes you feel perfectly simulated pleasure. It was quite entertaining for a day or two - well, alright, a millennium or two - but there's got to be more to life than pleasure - hasn't there ? No, you philosophers are either eccentric, irrelevant or else ... both. I'm going to get the

first space-taxi out of here.... ( walks away from Bentham's crowd)

I wonder if that scruffy-looking bearded man over there wearing a toga knows the way back to the airport - or is he going to try to sell me a copy of the Stellar Issue ? 

SOCRATES  

Ah, a stranger in our city. I don't get many new people to talk to these days.

ARTHUR

Can you tell me the meaning of life ? Either that or the way out of this place.

SOCRATES

We should investigate the question together. Two heads are often better than one.

ARTHUR

You obviously haven't met Zaphod Beeblebrox.

SOCRATES

But first tell me how you found us here in Philos.

ARTHUR

It's a long story. Basically I was rescued from Earth shortly before it was destroyed, which coincidentally was just before it was about to reveal the ultimate question.

SOCRATES

Don't you mean the ultimate answer ?

ARTHUR

No, you see they'd already built a massive computer to find the ultimate answer, which had rather disappointingly pronounced it to be 42. So they had to build an even more expensive, organic computer - the Earth - to discover the question. I never did find out what it was, so I used the Infinite Improbability Drive to come here to see if you lot could help. Simple.

SOCRATES

But it's clear what the meaning of life on Earth was - to find the ultimate question.

ARTHUR

But ... that's like saying a turkey's life is meaningful because it is going to end up as someone's Christmas dinner. I want my life to satisfy things I value.

SOCRATES  

So being part of some great plan isn't the meaning of life. What then do you make of the answer the computer gave, 42?

ARTHUR

Maybe it was saying that the question was meaningless and should be "unasked''.

SOCRATES  

Very good, Arthur - I suspected that you really knew the answer all along. Instead of worrying about the meaning of life, you should be enhancing meaning in your own life. Tell me, what would you like written on your gravestone ?

ARTHUR  

How about "Arthur Dent yet to be buried "?

SOCRATES (serious)

But one day you will be buried, so you should make the most of your time and ensure that what you would like written on your gravestone becomes reality. Be the author of your own life. Become more aware of what you value and learn how to attain it. As I never tire of saying, the unexamined life is not worth living.

ARTHUR

Socrates, you are very convincing and I would believe you if only I hadn't heard of the Total Perspective Vortex. That's where you see the whole infinity of creation and a tiny speck showing yourself in relation to it. The shock of one's insignificance is enough to kill most people.

SOCRATES

Well it wouldn't kill me. If I am insignificant from another perspective, why shouldn't that perspective or what it thinks about me be equally insignificant to me?

ARTHUR

A typical philosopher's answer. But isn't it unnerving that the things you think are incredibly important are trifles to someone else?

SOCRATES

Of course. Why do you think we philosophers spend so much time trying to convince people that what we think is important really do matter? But if you are worried about not being as important as you would like I suggest you visit Psycho, the planet of psychotherapists and psychologists. It's only a twenty minute ride in a space-taxi.

ARTHUR

But what about cosmic meaning, God and all that ?

SOCRATES

Even here on Philos we don't have all the answers. Maybe the universe has an ultimate meaning, maybe it hasn't. If you want to know the absolute nature of the universe you could always pop along to Cosmo, where all the great scientists live. But surely your own experience with Earth must have taught you that being part of some grand plan isn't necessarily a good thing.

ARTHUR

It has, and from what I remember of Earth I'm not very keen on relying on anywhere called Psycho or Cosmo.

NARRATOR

So Arthur left Philos with the firm intention of gaining meaning in life by becoming the author of his own life. Like Socrates, he was really fed up with being the mouthpiece for other people's opinions ....