Assertiveness

What is assertiveness? What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive? Will people think that I'm being pushy? These are common questions and concerns. Here are some pointers to help clarify what assertiveness is really all about.

Assertiveness is...

Assertiveness is expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. It means that we have respect both for ourself and for others. We are consciously working toward a "win-win" solution to problems. A win-win solution means that we are trying to make sure that both parties end up with their needs met to the degree possible. An assertive person effectively influences, listens, and negotiates so that others choose to cooperate willingly.

Assertiveness is not...

Assertiveness is very different from aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate and violates the rights of others. It can be either active or passive, but no matter which, it communicates an impression of disrespect. By being aggressive, we put our wants, needs, and rights above those of others. We attempt to get our way by not allowing others a choice. Where assertiveness tried to find a win-win solution, aggressiveness strives for a win-lose solution: I'll be the winner; you'll be the loser.

Assertiveness is also different from nonassertiveness. Nonassertive behavior is passive and indirect. It permits others to violate our rights and shows a lack of respect for our own needs. It communicates a message of inferiority. It creates a lose-win situation because the nonassertive person has decided that his or her own needs are secondary and opts to be a victim.

An "I" message is a good way to let people know what you are thinking. It is made up of three parts.

·        Behavior -- what it is, exactly, that the other person has done or is doing

·        Effect -- what is happening because of their behavior

·        Feelings -- what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?

By using this kind of message, you are giving another person complete information, leaving no room for second guessing or doubt.

An example: "When you come late to the meeting (behavior) I feel angry (feelings) because we have to repeat information the rest of us heard (effect)."

This is much more productive and assertive than simply ignoring the problem or just expressing your anger or frustration.

CHOOSE ASSERTIVE WORDS CAREFULLY

Use factual descriptions instead of judgments

Compare the following:

"This is sloppy work." (Aggressive)

"The pages in this report are out of order." (Assertive)

Avoid exaggerations

Compare the following:

"You never are on time!" (Aggressive)

"You were 15 minutes late today. That's the third time this week." (Assertive)

Use "I" not "You"

Compare the following:

"You always interrupt my stories!" (Aggressive)

"I would like to tell my story without being interrupted."(Assertive)

Express thoughts, feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership

Compare the following:

"           He makes me angry." (Denies ownership of feelings)
"I          get angry when he breaks his promises." (Assertive and owns feelings)

CHECK-UP

The following questions will help you to assess your assertiveness;

When you differ with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and share your own viewpoint?

Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends or co-workers?

Do you readily accept positive criticism and suggestion?

Do you ask for assistance when you need it?

Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment?

If someone else has a better solution, do you accept it easily?

Do you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way?

Do you try to work for a solution that, to the degree possible, benefits all parties?

ACTION PLAN

Here are some communication techniques that can help you convey a positive assertive attitude:

·        Use suitable facial expressions, always maintaining good eye contact.

·        Keep your voice firm but pleasant.

·        Pay careful attention to your posture and gestures.

·        Listen...and let people know you have heard what they said.

·        Ask questions for clarification.

·        Look for a win-win approach to problem solving.

The original version of this document is no longer available. Please contact me if you are the copyright owner of the original version and would like this version removed. I have included it as I think it is one of the best pieces about assertiveness that was available on the web.