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Communication Styles      

   Aggressive   -  trying to get what you want regardless of the rights and needs of others

   Passive         -  making no attempt to have one's needs and rights met

   Passive-aggressive  - altenating between passive and aggressive styles

  Assertive       - openly and directly expressing one's needs and wishes in a calm and persistent manner

Example of different communication styles

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Advantages and Limitations of assertiveness

Assertiveness is in general a desirable way of being - especially when it is defined as being the approproate non-aggressive, non-passive response. It builds trusting relationships (you know where you are with an assertive person) and also fosters respect (the assertive person respects themselves and the people they interact with). It helps builds what Stephen Covey would describe as "win-win agreements" and "win-win thinking".  But it isn't always the right occasion to be assertive. Examples where assertiveness would not be recommended include

- when someone else cannot be reasoned with and is potentially violent (a good time for the flight response to take action!)

Assertiveness tips

• Be calm
• Be clear about what you want
• Be clear about your worst acceptable result (WAR)
• State what you would like to happen in a direct way (dont beat around the bush)
• Be prepared to back up your wishes with good reasons (this differs from the "broken record" technique often advocated, which strikes me as rather aggressive -it does not respect the other person's right to have a reasoned discussion)
• Be persistent
• Know your rights
• Know the other person's rights
• Be aware of your own body language - make good eye contact
• Be aware of your tone of voice and use appropiriate tone of voice
• Use "I" language rather then "you" - (which can put people on the defensive)
• Don't exaggerate
• Remember this is an "adult-adult transaction (you are an adult, not a child or complaining parent, and so is the other person)
• Think win-win and aim for win-win agreements

 

  Links

 

Communication styles by author Randy Patterson. Useful 1 page summary, from his book.

Tufts HR - ODT Assertiveness Tip Sheet  - this very useful sheet has disappeared from the web - luckily this copy was saved before it vanished.

"Assertiveness is expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest, and appropriate way. It means that we have respect both for ourself and for others. We are consciously working toward a "win-win" solution to problems" . Read more ...

Self-brochure on assertiveness from the Counseling Center. "Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is self-enhancing and expressive" Read more ...

Assertiveness - getting what you want in a fair way.   Connects assertiveness with stress management. "The best approach is to communicate assertively. With an assertive approach, you ask for what you want clearly and openly and explain rationally why you want - all without trying to use inappropriate emotional leverage." Read more ..

Guide to assertiveness    "Assertive behaviour tends to be exhibited by those who respect the rights of other people to express their ideas, feelings, and needs, while at the same time recognising that they too have the right to express and pursue such matters. Being assertive means: " Read more ..

Assertiveness Quotations

"The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others." - Sharon Anthony Bower

Wise assertiveness is the Aristotelian golden mean between aggression and passivity   Tim LeBon

 Joint undertakings stand a better chance when they benefit both sides. Euripedes

How I like to be liked and what I do to be liked! Charles Lamb

I was angry with my friend 
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.I was angry with my foe
I told it not, my wrath did groe
(William Blake:A Poison Tree)

Anybody can become angry, that is easy; 
but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree,
and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way,
that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy.  Aristotle

Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry. Lyman Abbott

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Recommended Reading on Assertiveness and Communication styles

The Assertiveness Workbook by Randy Patterson

Assert Yourself by Gael Lindenfield
A good, UK "how-to" book. Chapter headings indicate what it covers:
I:Ideas and Theory:Arguments for Assertiveness; The essence of Assertiveness; Knowing your Rights; The Art of Being Positive; Fundamental Assertive Skills; Self-Protective Skills; Getting Prepared
II: Practical Work - corresponding practical ideas on applying each chapter in part 1

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